The Diary Of A Country, City Girl Read online

  OK, LET’S MEASURE THE SITUATION AT HAND:

  1. WHY IS IT THAT IT'S YOU HE CREEPING WITH? = BECAUSE YOUR NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH

  2.WHY IT'S NOT HIM CREEPING WITH HER? = BECAUSE SHE'S WOMAN ENOUGH TO KNOW SHE DESERVES BETTER, THAT'S WHY YOU BETTER NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT YOU AND HIM STILL CREEPING SO SHE WON'T LEAVE HIM! DON’T TELL ANYONE ABOUT YOU AND HIM... AND YOU CAN’T BE SEEN IN PUBLIC TOGETHER.

  3. WHY IS IT YOU'RE SNEAKING INTO HER HOUSE LAYING IN HER BED WITH HIM DISRESPECTING YOURSELF AS A WOMAN? = HE WANT YOU TO FEEL SPECIAL LIKE YOU ARE HURTING HER WHEN REALLY IT'S JUST THAT SHE TOOK HER CAR TO WORK AND HE CAN’T GET TO YOUR HOUSE TONIGHT SO HE'LL SEND YOU A CAB TO GET TO HIM.

  THIS IS THE RESULTS OF HAVING NO SELF WORTH!

  THE FEELING OF LETTING GO!

  I’ve been having these feelings of sorrow and pain;

  And I know if I react to these things, I would never be the same….

  These feelings I have is a hurt deep inside;

  It sometimes makes me see things would be better if I just died….

  Then I snapped back, FATHER please forgive me… this mind of mines sometimes run wild;

  GOD replies: I KNOW! AND YOU’RE FORGIVEN MY SWEET CHILD….

  As I sat with tears flowing wondering LORD JESUS where did I go wrong??? As I reminisce!

  I hear; STOP LOOKING BACK MY CHILD, AHEAD YOU’LL HAVE GREATER THAN THIS…

  Then the feelings of happiness overcomes me as the tears from my eyes flow;

  Now I know the true reason why I NEVER LET GO...

  Ladies don’t ever think you’re hurting the other woman while degrading yourself! When really, you're throwing your own morals out of the window. Lose is an independent black man that knows his stuff! That’s why he could get away with certain things he was doing because he was very charming and stern and had me looking at any situation the same as he was seeing it. And clearly it was hurting me because I wouldn't have had to fit and squeeze it in to make it fit in my head that what he was telling me was right. I had a problem, but I was too damn focused on trying to come up with a master plan of him being here for my own benefits. Basically, we both were in this for our own convenience and that's when things get ugly, because we humans don’t come together... instead, we crabs in a barrel.

  So instead of coming up with a solution together for this to work out and we all win in the end, we both try to come up with our own masterplan. One thing I can say is this has been much of an experience because I learned so much dealing with Carlos then I’ve learned in my years before him because I’m sure he has been through it all basically, and he shared all of it… Ok, even if some of it was lies it's good shit to tell others. See a few things about situations… You always use situations to your advantage also, but at least make the situation good for you also that way you ain't just here steady irking my nerves and hurting me at the same time. This way even if you decide to leave, we both got something out of the situation. This may seem harsh but if you pay attention. This is one of those IT'S LIFE! situations where if they leave you and it didn't work out you did get something out of this situation. It wasn’t just a waste of your time.

  If you get ten couples that met in high school and went to college together, How many you think got married and had kids, then their kids went to college and right now they're still together or died together or one dead one alive, but they are still together after college?

  So, with Lose I wanted that togetherness because I figured he’d been through all the bullcrap and he was ready for the good, quiet life. I figured he was handsome, and he claims he is single, he is successful (well have his own company) and yeah that's success for today... all good points I'm looking for in a man and I was hoping I could have worked on fixing the rest. Like dishonesty… I figured ok he didn't know me in the beginning, so he wasn't obligated to be honest he didn't owe me anything and it's my choice to just fully trust him.

  GOOD QUALITY: OWN COMPANY

  BAD QUALITY: DISHONEST

  Can you really put these two together in a man to get a good man? Only if the man wants to change the bad, only if! But other than the lien he had it all, all I can ask for in a man so far. Or was I only seeing what I wanted to see because of all I had already been through in life with men that I was blinded by all the wrong Lose had with him. All I saw was a handsome bow-legged man with his own company that was of age. I saw responsible! Was I tricked into this? No, I asked for this! I begged for this!

  That's why when you’re dealing with GOD you have to have your I's dotted and your T's crossed. You can't just tell GOD; I needed me a handsome, working man. Because he will send you that handsome, working man. Now if you're not specific he can be a cheating man with a bunch of money, that pays no attention to you... (but yours) he could be abusive, handsome with money (but yours), you just have to be very careful what you ask for and very specific on the details. Because if we know GOD, we know he doesn't care about looks... it's that heart and soul he cares about.

  So, I got me a fine man with his own company, his own meaning he works for himself, yes, a lot of time he can do WHATEVER HE WANTS TO DO. Which means if he want to lay up with a female all day and mess off, he can do that because he’s on his own time clock. So, I’ve heard him lie to his customers saying he went to jail and all that type of stuff, as to why he didn’t come do or finish their roofs. One thing I can say is that I asked, and I have my delivery, Now I never intended on working this hard in my life in a relationship. Lose got me jumping through hurdles and loops to keep up with his old self. Wake up early, exercise, and talk a bunch of mess, he is loud, and very aggressive, and he doesn't care.

  I asked for a lot of this, but I wasn't specific with what I asked for, I never said "Oh and GOD make sure he doesn't lie and cheat, make sure he is not loud and flirt with every girl he sees regardless to if I’m with him or not. And God be sure he has feelings for me and my family, please be sure he really only wants me. Etc.. Etc. Etc...

  WAIT! I'M NOT DONE... LET ME GO OVER MY ORDER HOLD UP!

  I mean right now I have gotten lost with all this because it's like building your own man through GOD and you have to make sure it's correct because you do not want to mess up your order and order a defective man!

  THIS IS TOO DYSFUNCTIONAL

  I can say no matter what's wrong with Lose I can still say so far, he's so far the best man that ever in life happened to me. But the problem is I have kids, and when you have kids it's not about you anymore

  it’s all about the kids…

  DO HE LIKE THEM?

  DO THEY LIKE HIM?

  WHAT CAN HE HELP THEM WITH IN LIFE?

  WILL HE HELP THEM WITH ANYTHING IN LIFE?

  You know things like that… Things that really serve the purpose of your being here and so far, I'm seeing I should have taken a little more time to learn the person I brought in. It's not that he’s totally horrible because any and everything I've needed since Carlos has been here if you’re looking from my point of view. I would say it's been a hell of a ride because so much has been accomplished that was well needed.

  When I met him, I wasn’t actually doing anything positive in my life, so to speak. That’s what he did bring out of me and I really appreciate that about him. He did open my eyes to a lot of things I was negatively doing. Like, I didn’t have a job, no income, hanging around other people that had no direction for the future. And when I met Lose that’s where I was in my life, all I had was that free apartment. A lot of times my light or gas used to be off. I didn’t care, all I wanted was to be rescued away from it all. I figured if I can just get somebody to get me outta here I would be ok. I felt like Cinderella! Like all the responsibilities are on you now go find somebody to fix this. And off I went into the world of crooks, murders, thieves, and con artists looking for love. Good luck! Take your time and don't rush.

  Then when I met Lose that’s where I was in life. He came in right at a point where I was starting to just gi
ve up! But we have these missions in this world and we all have one, But you can't get overwhelmed after only a few tries… I had to remember to stop switching players; I had already given so many players parts of my routine. Because players gather certain evidence and keep it as a secret weapon to use against you later on at your weakest points. Don't get so stuck on trying to use or get others to make you happy. Find happiness within yourself first, it's your happiness and you want to control it! Why give another person that much control over your life because happiness is your life…Try living a depressed life, either someone else will be taking care of you for the rest of your life or you'll be dead.

  Depression kills and that’s already been a proven fact! And you depending on someone else to make you happy will depress you, and I know because that's what I’ve been doing my entire life. Depending on others to make me happier in my life... And with Lose I realized that when he actually had to open my eyes to something I already knew. He had to tell me that I wasn’t happy with myself or with myself that’s why I’m looking for someone else to make me happy. I thought he could bring me the best last life days however long that should be. I had the whole thing already set and ready to go all he had to do was play his character. I mean how hard is it to play a role right? I'm perfect! It was perfect! I had the place to start us off, I had the family, he was out here alone. I HAD THE DREAM

  He had everything else that was it…. I was bringing in a little income, it wasn't much but it was something. And I was working with him so I was helping.

  Who wants to be alone? Who wouldn't want to be happy with one person that's in their 50's that can possibly make them happy?

  I was 100% faithful

  I was completely honest, I wanted him and wanted to be a family.

  Then I realized that was my problem. I just built a whole family with him without even asking did he even want a family. So, he didn't hurt me I hurt myself… And the only thing he did wrong was stay because I made him feel guilty when he tried and walk away. Then bring up if he walked away now how much it would hurt me because of how long I stayed with him after all his constant mess and lies.

  But really who's really in the wrong? Is it the woman because she's being so vigorous that she has forgotten this isn't a game of tag to be just as guilty as her opponent, she likes to play the game of hurt until the day she loses the game. Now what? Looking for the right character will be plenty work if you're so judgmental. So many reasons to leave but yet a million reasons to stay. If you’re a selfish person you would stay just to be greedy to yourself, But at the same time also, you could be helping someone else at the same time to be a better person for maybe his future wife if it isn't you. Because his qualities are very selfish when it comes to how to treat a woman, Now financially Carlos like to flash a little and spoil young women here and there. But like I said he likes to splurge but he's a tight -wad when it comes to real responsibilities. Now when it comes to like helping with two teenagers school shopping or paying some high bills, "NOW YOU TRIPPIN, I AIN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS FAMILY TYPE OF STUFFT"…. And what’s funny is he always tells me I can't think for him like that. But that's what I feel he is thinking, at the same time his entire vibes gives me those thoughts…

  I know it's hard messing with me because I come with a whole lot of instructions mentally and physically and you have to be a strong man to deal with me. But I tell you that from the jump when you meet me that I am a handful, I'm considered a ghetto b!+c# with a huge package and high demands! But it’s not me it's my dreams and you must qualify. I ain't out here looking for him either, they out here applying.

  When Lose disrespected me to the point I had to see for myself he really cared nothing for me anymore. One day he told me he wouldn’t get rid of females that caused problems between us, saying they were there for him before he met me. Well I’m pretty sure they were! He asked me “WHAT YOU THINK I SUPPOSED TO GET RID OF THEM FOR YOU? For a second I had to look at myself in the mirror myself, like who am I? For real! Who DO I think I am? I had to check my damn self! OK, CUT OFF TIME NOW. AND GUESS WHAT? I'M SINGLE!

  I DON'T UNDERSTAND,WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I THOUGHT I GAVE YOU ALL YOU NEED;

  BUT I GUESS IT WASN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU; SO WHAT THE MORE YOU WANT ME TO DO?

  I LET YOU PLAY ALL YOUR CHILDISH GAMES; LIKE IN YOUR PHONE CHANGING GIRLS NAMES (WHAT A DAM SHAME)…

  BUT NO MORE,

  NO MORE GAMES YOU GONE KEEP PLAYING WITH ME; CAUSE I'M DONE WITH ALL THAT BULLSHIT TIME BE WITH MY FAMILY… I GAVE YOU ALL MY TIME YOU SEE; AND LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME, BUT THEN GIVING ME THE THIRD DEGREE?

  DROWNING IN MY OWN TEARS WHEN THEY WASHED ME BACK TO SHORE; AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED I DON'T WANNA DO THIS SHIT NO MORE!

  JUST A FEW WORDS FROM A SONG I WROTE CALLED "NO MORE"......

  BACK TO THE STORY...

  Carlos says he's just trying to help, he’s not trying to build a home. I told him; It doesn't work like that this way baby! Now I was thinking to myself, I'm the one you shouldn't have f*ck’d! Do you think I love you that much? That I would let you keep treating me like JUST A PIECE OF PU**Y? Yeah, well TIME'S UP! I stopped doing my part that I did have going for us far as a relationship, a long time ago. Like Charlie Wilson say: Your better half has needs

  Carlos really has good qualities, but I think he chooses to not use them; He's still playing out in the field. He won’t commit, I think he feels he would be locked in. When we met, he was going to church every Sunday and I was going every Sunday... I got baptized. I was in the choir, and after a year of us being together. I started asking him to go to church with him (that never happened) well it happened once, it was a Christmas program one year, And if you consider walking in with work clothes on... and he went one way and watched the program from the opposite side than I was. It had to be somebody in there, whomever he was preventing from seeing us together. It didn't matter anyways because the same stuff he told me about half the females that I confronted him about... I would have been fanned off as a girl that works for him, I mean that's what he tells me about the girls in his phone. The girls in pictures, or that calls.

  But all in all, Lose is the oldest man I've had in my life. And through it all I know his aim is always to please and that goes without saying I'm always to be happy no matter what it is. And it’s always the little things he does to put a smile on my face when he finds out my likes.

  Like if he knows I like something... I'm flushed with it, overflowed. But then it’s the dishonesty I just can't stand. That’s just to cover up for what he’s done. I’m different than any girl he’s had, he’d would’ve been out if it were any other girl. It's like he does certain things on purpose to see if I’m paying attention, like it's a test to see how far he could go with me. When I ask things like; What is it that you don't like about me? If it's changeable, I need to know for our relationship to work. His words would be “Your fine! There's nothing I have a complaint about you.”

  I know I'm different, but I know I'm far from perfect. He just didn't care. When I ask him about how he don't want to take on certain in this relationship, he would catch an attitude and say things like "LOOK SHORTY YOU CAN GO FIND YOU A YOUNG NIGGA!”

  Now I’m thinking to myself … I just figured if I let you know you were sliding on thin ice you would get some act right in you, but I guess you good huh? So, he wants to act like I don't know if he was to see me with somebody else, he wouldn’t trip out! So, stop trying to act like a big bad wolf and tone that down! Because either you gone step all the way up or step all the way out the way so I can get past you.

  I figure he is work-with-able but it’s not like he ain't leave-able either, because I do love him for certain things in this relationship. But I will leave you too! With the quickness... and I will not be mad at you at all!

  BUT YOU:YOUR FASES YOU’LL GO THROUGH

  #1. I CAN PROMISE YOU'RE GONNA BE MAD AT ME! YOU'RE GONNA FEEL LIKE YOU HATE ME BUT THAT'S ONLY IN THE BEGINNING

  #2.THEN YOU'RE
GONNA GO THROUGH THE STAGE OF WANTING TO SEX ME AGAIN, THAT LET'S JUST BE SEX BUDDIES NO STRINGS ATTACHED, THEN YOU'RE GONNA START TELLING ME I WAS THE BEST WOMAN YOU EVER HAD.

  IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE

  So, in the long run after all these years in; And our age difference. You still insist on holding on to the phrase; You don't know how to treat a woman, and you got me instructing you through our relationship. JANUARY 2018 and we been together two in a half years; you’re 59 and I'm 41. Eventually I got tired of hearing you talk and want to start seeing actions in your big talk you talk. And I feel like he selfish in certain ways… Lose would do something weird that makes me wonder sometimes, Maybe he do really need instructions? But all I want is a happy family, real love, no lies and pretending. Like it’s all good then suddenly you decide in the middle that you don't want to play house anymore. This is people's lives you’re playing with here.

  Every time it's a situation... Lose jump in the middle saying he'll take care of it, Lose made me feel we were good. Then he made it seem he didn't want a relationship but yet, constantly coming and messing around with me…. Nobody in my life gonna just play me and then think, ok that's all I'm done playing with her; well not me: you sex, you stay... and if you want to keep sexing you pay, simple as that. YOU GONNA LEARN TODAY!

  It's been all these years we've been together, and I still don't feel I have a place with him yet except a place to lag. Just wait! GOD never sleeps or slumber A rattlesnake has to rattle that rattle. If the bushes are tall just listen for that rattler. Yes, he do things but in a real relationship, I would NOT HAVE TO ASK MY MAN TO PAY BILLS, HELP WITH SCHOOL SHOPPING, TAKE US TO WASH, GIVE MY TWO BABIES LUNCH MONEY, TAKE ME OUT! YOU KNOW RELATIONSHIP. I feel he thinks he can swindle his way the way he's used to just swindling his way in and out of female's lives. How Carlos just figured a young female didn’t want respect and didn't have knowledge of being a woman and that she was just a young project female. Didn’t think she was smart enough because she didn't have money and she needed it, so she'll sit back and accept whatever with a smile. Well, I'm the project girl that has morals and demands respect! Maybe in my younger than 40 days I was that naïve and he would have got away with it. Niggas got away with acting like they'd be fathers to children they gave me. So yeah, I'm sure the small things Lose pulling is around in those days when I was in my twenties, But he is a little too late I am not going for that while I'm trying to teach my girls how to be treated by men; Even though they’ve already started.