The Diary Of A Country, City Girl Read online

  First giving all honors to my heavenly father GOD above. I know without him NOTHING would ever be possible. I would like to Thank my mother Marym Brown Taylor (BEBOP) for making this all possible for me. She has always been and will always be my strength and inspiration. Rest in peace and spread your wings my angel. You were an awesome mother… I was listening momma! It just took me a while to let it out but here I am.

  MY FIRST LOVE! FLY HIGH MY ANGEL

  Momma, I’m lost without you. I don’t know what to do … But I will be strong for you. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad or blue… But don’t you know I’m lost without you? I cry because I know you were in pain but know I’m in pain too! I break down when I hear your name, Oh! Momma you have no clue… of course you do! I know you wanted to keep your health a secret & only you and GOD knew of all the agony and pain you went through. Momma I love you and yes God loves you too. That’s why He gave you your wings and away you flew. You went to the heavenly skies for a more beautiful view!

  A LOUISIANA STORY (THE BEGINNING)

  Growing up in the south in the 70’s was tough! Not only did I have to deal with being poor. But I grew up during segregation where I went to school with all black children. Where it was blacks only and whites only everywhere! Bathrooms, schools, faucets, stores... there was barely an area that blacks could go… a bridge we couldn’t cross because that was the white folks area!

  The side of town we couldn't go. We had to learn to hold our head down when they passed by because we couldn’t look at them. I was younger coming up in Louisiana, but I can remember hearing and seeing racism all over the town I grew up in. Having to say yes ma’am and no ma’am and yes sir and no sir was punishment to teach us discipline, but it wasn’t to teach us to respect anybody but the whites! But that stuck with me for everybody, so it was a good lesson for me!

  At the time I heard the adult conversations about who we should and shouldn’t have to say that to. And it was always the whites I heard we shouldn’t have to say that to, but my mother never to me! I remember hearing her story when I got old enough to understand and able to sit in on conversations instead of eavesdropping on them.

  I had to learn about racism because of the things I started to see, the torturing we had to go through. We were always told to be inside before the street lights go out! It was until I saw why for myself that I understood why. I remember I let the street lights catch me one evening on my way from my grandmother's house on the other side of town. So, while I was walking, I heard what sounded like yelling. Then I saw a truck swerving all over the road speeding up the street with a bunch of white guys with white sheets with the holes poked in them.

  They also had sticks with fire blazing from them. I was horrified! I figured they were out looking for somebody to do bodily harm to at that very moment because they were for sure on the wrong side of town. Another time I was out I was walking by a cornfield, so I heard loud chattering voices in sync.

  It raised an alarm inside of me when I was younger. I was very curious, and I wanted to know what it was. Being the curious child that I was, and almost always alone without anybody to tell me any better... I went over through the cornfield. When I finally made it to see what it was it was a group of men covered in those same white sheets I saw before. I was so glad they didn’t catch me because now I knew exactly who and what they were, and what they’d do to me if they would’ve caught me sneaking around their meeting. I found out they were the KKK!

  I learned about them being the people we didn’t want to catch us after the lights go out! The reason for the whites only fountains and the territorial issues we faced! I used to be so afraid and alone, but I have no clue why I was a mute! What actually happened that I was always so afraid? I was so afraid of people for so many years and wouldn’t speak.

  But there had to be something that happened to me that I wouldn’t talk! I still wonder what type of childhood I had. I was so different than a normal child. And then there was my mother, she was an alcoholic. Which didn’t at all collaborate with being poor …

  I was so quiet that it was almost like I was a mute. It was tough for me which put me in the unusual category. I really don’t know why I was so quiet but It always got me into so much trouble. A lot of the turmoil I went through I think came from me never talking. But I knew I was different from the others. I’m the third of 4 girls… and I’ve always been told the third child is always overlooked; And boy, was I. I think it was just that my older two sisters were always off doing them. I was so quiet it was like I wasn’t a problem and my baby sister was doing the most getting the most attention. I was so quiet is mainly the reason I was overlooked!

  It was like if you didn’t actually see me you wouldn’t know I was there… but even seeing me was hard because I wouldn’t say a word! Trying to recall dates and times has always been hard for me. I do remember certain details of things that did occur… this rubs over a few incidents but life as I knew it was daily getting through battle after battle. Being shy and quiet was almost as if I called pedophiles to come a running right over to the fragile little girl that won’t say a word! I tried my best to put out most of the darkness and pushed it far back into the darkest pits in my mind. But of course, it never stays, Scene by scene, like constant nightmares returning torturing my mind haunting me. As if it didn’t or don’t want me to forget! Hiding the person but the scenes just replays over and over. Maybe that’s the part I never paid any attention to. WE LIVE IN THE SHADOWS OF THIS WORLD BECAUSE WE’RE AFRAID OF WHAT’S IN THE LIGHT OF IT. YOU TRY TO PUT OUT MOST OF THE DARKNESS AND PUSH IT INTO THE DARKEST PITS TRYING TO HIDE IT, TO FORGET. BUT IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO HAUNT YOU! DO YOU EVER GET OVER IT? I DON’T THINK WE EVER DO.

  You know how normally in the nightmares you never see the person in them… I think the reason you never can see them is because they are usually someone you know very well. You know they’re not supposed to do those things to you they’re doing so, closing your eyes and trying to block out what's really happening is your escape. As they do these horrifying things to your body… touching you inappropriate, putting his fingers where they didn’t belong, and it makes you ashamed! Surviving molestation as a child has left scars that I am still healing from today. Not so much the what but the who.

  Mainly the ones that were always around, pretending to be who they weren’t, what they really were. They were monsters! From guys coming over to my Auntie’s to my mom’s boyfriend! When it came to men around… they were all monsters! There was never a decent man introduced to us when I was growing up, not my mom’s boyfriends nor my auntie’s...They were pigs and scum! I didn’t know if they were coming for them or me. What can you do if your mother’s boyfriend was the monster that beat your mother half to death right in front of you? Nobody could stop him, the police or my great granny and her shotgun!

  So, when it came to me, who was going to protect me when my mother couldn’t even protect herself? So, if he wanted to stick his fingers inside of my vagina what was I to do? And going to auntie’s used to always be fun until auntie got a boyfriend. You know, the kind that always wanted you on his lap all the time? Just to touch and feel on you... putting his fingers inside of you. Family should always be a safe place for a child. I shouldn’t have been afraid to visit my family, but I was because all the adults, all the men anyway pretended to be drunk until it was lights out! Like being in prison for the first time… you never know what’s about to happen when the lights go out.

  One night at my auntie’s, after a night of fun for them, my auntie boyfriend’s brother decides to come into where I was sleeping. I felt my clothes coming down and suddenly he climbs up trying to put his penis in. When I
say it was the worst pain! I screamed and he scrambled! But of course, my aunt was drunk and he got away because there was nobody to do anything! My cousins and my sisters were all asleep but maybe they felt it happening but too afraid to speak up. Maybe happy it wasn’t them! He maybe didn’t know who it was himself just wanted any one of us! All those years of silence and pain.

  On the surface we never talked about it at home. My great grandmother taught us all about it though! She warned us of men that prayed on little girls. But visions and memories of what I went through at home and what I figured would happen if I said anything would be worse… I wouldn’t dare tell Madea what was going on at home. I was too afraid that man would literally kill my momma if I told anybody anything! After watching how he stomped and kicked her around I thought I was looking out for my mom. Hell, she wasn’t even doing anything but drinking and listening to old school with him and suddenly he’d click! So, I figured I’ll spare my mother’s life at least without her having to get beat behind me too. And then through all the home horrors, there came school!

  And when it came to school my elementary years were horrible also. I literally hated it! I don’t know if it was the fact that they paddled in school, or the bullying from the richer kids. And since I never talked of course no one ever knew. I don’t know who was worse, the children or the teachers. For instance, the teacher would always pick a child to take names when they step out of the room. Of course, I was never picked... (It was always one of the rich kids) to take names when they'd leave the room. I would always immediately lay my head down on the desk! Because I knew that as soon as the teacher left, attention came straight to me, every time! I never said anything to these kids! But because I came from a poor one parent household, we weren't rich, and I didn’t have a father. I was poor so that meant I was a magnet to the bullies. Every time… my name was on the list! It was so embarrassing that the teacher will call me up to the front of the rest of the class to get paddled in front of the entire classroom. It was me EVERYDAY! I didn’t understand it because I was so quiet, but I was always in trouble.

  I think you must’ve lived the worst childhood in the world when you didn't enjoy your elementary school years. All I can remember is getting whooped with huge, wooden pedals by nearly all of my years in elementary and being bullied! So, let me explain why you get paddled, if you’re wondering what can you possibly be doing so horrible that your parents would allow this to even be ok... to be able to get paddled in the fourth and fifth grade?

  #1. Not doing or turning in your homework: ME

  #2. Not bringing paper or coming to school prepared: ME

  #3. Getting your name on the board while the teacher out (not being liked your name always on the board): ME

  #4. Or if you get an F: ME

  So, as you see I stayed on that list!

  I could remember one particular teacher that I did like, and her name was Miss Jackson, she was a music teacher. I liked her, maybe because she had a memorable spirit and a nice voice. She was sort of mean but I liked her because I didn’t get in that much trouble with her and I love music at the same time. But no matter what happened I didn't feel the need to talk to her either, or anyone for that matter, not even family members. I just stayed silent. They'd ask me questions and I would just look at them which always got me into more trouble. I’ll get a way worse whippin then those 5 licks that Mrs. Lucas would ever give me.

  These were all the reasons why I never liked elementary. It was either get paddled or a phone call home. ME: Paddled for 200 Alex... Please don't call home! My mother didn’t play that at all! You better keep school at school and be on your best behavior there. When you get that phone call home that means you are acting up in school. My mother used to drink, but she was all about our education and always was on us about school, hygiene, cleanliness. She taught us right from wrong, but we thought we had an advantage because she drank. We were always wrong. But anyways, basically I went thru the third and fourth grade with no school friends, I knew I had nothing in common with none of those other children! Simply because I was poor... I knew that as soon as I would have tried to talk to them, they would’ve laughed and picked on me even more. There was no need to get their attention by trying to talk to them.

  I wanted their attention off of me! But I guess it didn’t matter either way if I talked or not... I always knew what was about to happen once the teacher wasn’t around, paying attention or left out of the room. I didn't even talk to her! So how could I talk in the class when ONCE she leaves? I wonder if she ever thought I only talked when she left out of the room? But I guess she was in on the conspiracy of Michelle’s elementary disaster years. I did have maybe one friend. I can only remember one. This girl name Tannis; She was always sweet to me, like when I needed paper, which was almost every day, Tannis always gave me paper and a pencil, she always had a big thick pack of paper. But I left Louisiana in the fifth grade which I was so happy!

  All I know is if they'd asked me to write, they may 've gotten some results!

  REALITY: The world or state of things as they really are, as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them

  ACTUALITY: Typically, as contrasted with what WAS INTENDED, EXPECTED, OR BELIEVED.

  I have no clue as to why I turned out the way that I have. I had both of my grandmothers; Great-Grandmother and Grandmother on my mom's side (both are resting in peace now) they raised us all to be strong women, I have one uncle on my mother side, no other men. But they made sure we went to church every time the doors opened! We were in all the programs like for EASTER OR CHRISTMAS in church. Between the both of them…they made sure. I was baptized, in the choir... even studied the BIBLE. There was never a boring moment in my life. As long as I could explore alone with no limits or destination … Alone!

  Whether it was going to band practice and watching the band which was always the best. I remember being in the band as a sunshine girl, but I didn't like being in the band because of the shyness I had. I just wanted to watch. With all I had quietly going on in my life, I called myself having a crush on an older guy. He was the cutest guy in the world to me when I was a kid. He was high yellow and had the prettiest light brown eyes… he had pretty, curly hair. Oh my gosh! I remember one day he kissed my hand. I think it was. I probably didn't wash my hand for a whole year (joke).

  And I used to love this big, huge, beautiful, green leaf tree behind the high school, which was where the band practiced in this huge, pretty, green pasture field. The grass was so green. Fresh Johnson grass which was always so nice and cool. Louisiana is humid; the sun was out high in the sky. The weather was always beautiful. On days like that I always sat under the tree. It was always a gentle breeze. In the country the parades are the main event, but what I loved to do was to go crawfishing... I loved to go get down in those ditches. You could use salt meat, that’s the bacon fat parts. You can use several things to catch a crawfish. There are a plenty of things that can be found in those ditches. It was these things called Mudpuppies found in the ditches and I was afraid of them. We used to hear in the ditches we crawfished in, they lived-in the ditch waters also. I used to think they were the next big things to snakes because that’s what they looked close to. They made these LOUD sounds like a sheep in the water, so loud. But I really can’t remember if I ever actually saw one, And the snakes were so bad out there, but we still went in those ditches to crawfish! We could crawfish in any ditches with muddy waters from the rain, which was mostly anywhere and all the time because it always rained. It was so peaceful, just waiting for the crawfish to grab the meat. And you feel your stick jiggling.

  Yep! A stick and any string and salt meat was all that you needed. Another big thing I loved was fishing, My grandmother and great-grandmother always went fishing. Sometimes we'd all go as a big family. Altogether with my mom, my Aunt Liz (R.I.P) her two girls! It seemed the most peaceful times in my family, sitting quietly on the fishing bank. I would always catch turtles and keep th
em as my pets, and I used to be so scared because snakes we're everywhere! My grandmothers used to whoop the snakes with their fishing poles to run them off from being close to us.

  We would eat cold cut sandwiches, either bologna or luncheon meat or peppered salami. I couldn't stand biting into those huge peppers that were in the salami meat but those were my favorite. These were my favorite trips, nothing but big lakes of water, fish swimming and jumping up out of the water, a beautiful sound… and a beautiful site if you happen to catch it. You had Alligators, crocodiles, swordfish. All different types of fish. But the only sound was flowing water and a splash here and there from fish jumping in the water. I loved the times I spent with each of my grandmother's. But MADEA (my great grandma) had a yard full of Ju-berries we loved picking. But I hated when we'd see the snake spit on them because the berries were their food and that was their way to let us know that. But we didn’t care, we just washed them off sometimes. I used to always have visions of me reaching in the bush to grab some one day, and suddenly a snake came out of nowhere and bit my hand.

  But I didn’t care, I just tried to steer clear of those. And my great grandma had friends that stayed on each side... on each side of her house, one had plums, one had peaches, and across the street they had pecans. We used to always sit outside on her porch. She had a swing set out on the porch, the porch had screen all around from the mosquitoes so they wouldn’t get in and eat us up. It was always nice out at night, but the mosquitoes would never let you enjoy outside. While sitting out there I’d play in her hair scratching her scalp, she loved that!

  Or she would tell me “COME PLAIT MY HAIR MA-MA” That was my nickname from her… She was the only one that called me that. Now, we all (Me, my sisters and two cousins, always felt like MADEA was the mean grandma, and GRANNY was the nice grandma, MADEA (our great-grandma) didn’t play at all... I mean she was nice, but she wouldn’t let you slide with certain things you may think wasn’t something you should get in trouble about. She never let anything slide! Nothing! For school she would sharpen our pencils then would put a line on our pencil, then would say “NOW DON'T SHARPEN THIS PENCIL TO THE NUB YOU HEAR ME?”